Love Those Curls

The hair was getting a bit long, so I gave Kate a little trim and had a little (selfish) fun at the same time. I decided to trim AND straighten it...just to see what it would look like. I actually thought she looked more like my baby/toddler pictures with her hair straight. Lol. I knew I was in there somewhere (even if it's just tiny bit)!

I like these pics of her...

... but it just wasn't "my" Kate. I missed those curls.

By the next day - they were back (just a little shorter).

Love those curls.

End of One, Beginning of Another

Each day in our lives can represent the end of one journey and the beginning of another. The old and the new. The death and the life.

Easter was a symbolic time for me in several ways this year. As I celebrated the death and life of the risen Christ, I also celebrated the baptism of some dear friends who reminded me that those who profess Christ as their Lord and Savior, have experienced a true spiritual death and rebirth. The old is gone and the new has come. It was a good reminder of that process and of God's work in my life.

It is not by coincidence that Easter comes at a time every year when the winter passes and the spring comes.

The barren trees, once again bear fruit.

New life begins. Flowers are planted and color is once again seen among the once drab and dreary backdrop of life.

Similarly, there have been some ugly areas in my life that I feel God has revealed to me in real ways lately and I felt as though my months of wrestling through them and laying them at His feet culminated with the freedom of new life that came at their timely death. Something happened for me this year around Easter. I started to really embrace the freedom that is truly ours in Christ. I think I have fought it for a long while - always feeling like the burden is mine to carry. "My cross", so to speak. While I do know and believe that God is Sovereign over our lot in life and our individual roads that He has ordained us to walk, I do know that it is not up to me to make sense of it all. It's not up to me to have all the answers. It's not up to me to make it through them all alone. It's not up to me. It's not about me.

As many of you know, I had a miscarriage in mid- January. At that time, I was somewhere between 6 and 8 weeks along, they were not quite sure. There are many things I remain ever so grateful for in the midst of such an emotionally difficult time. One of those things was that I was early enough along in my pregnancy to have a choice in how to proceed. I could proceed in one of three ways: 1) naturally 2) chemically (drug-induced) or 3) surgically (DNC). Being this was my first miscarriage, my initial choice was to go as natural as possible. I will spare the details.

Most friends that I had talked with, who had walked similar roads, told of their experiences going naturally and the doctor concurred that it should take a few days to a week - two at most- for my body to process and cleanse itself, naturally. For me, one week turned into five or six, then into 8 or 9 and on into even 12 weeks. Each day was taken prayerfully, wrestling through emotions and questions, tears and laughs, some fear and some peace. To this day, I cannot medically explain why it took my body so long to process something that should normally take, on average, 5 days, but I do know all that God taught me in the waiting.

I do know the areas of sin in my life that were exposed as a result of this waiting. My tendency to take things under my own control. My impatience. My ability to quickly look for the easy way out, knowing that what He was really calling me to, was more waiting. Silence and waiting. (uh - which I don't do well) My tendency to doubt His goodness. My dwelling on myself and my defeated feelings when God has been, is and will always be, victorious and asks that our eyes stay fixed on Him.

I do know the areas that he allowed me to face head on. There was no way around them this time. It was time for me to grow up spiritually, if that makes sense. Time for me to own up to certain things and to die to others, because then and only then can new life form and thrive.

Last week, I took my final pregnancy test and it read the words that I have been ironically looking for these past 12 weeks: not pregnant.

Thank you, Father. Thank you that you have allowed this chapter in my life to close and I do pray that this is the beginning of a new, fruitful and humbly obedient one in every way. Thank you, that even when Satan creeps in and stirs questions around in my head and rises up fear within me, that you remind me of Your faithfulness and Your goodness and Your provision in this harsh winter of my life. That Your plans are higher than mine and Your thoughts likewise. For that is the truth, Your truth, that I hold tightly to now. Thank you for the areas that you have called me to die to, for your namesake and not my own pride. Thank you for your patience with me. Thank you for not giving up on me when I have pleaded and wrestled longingly in your presence, sometimes with unkind words and thoughts. Thank you for your love. A love that I cannot ever leave and one that you sent your Son to die for. Thank you.

Amen.

I do know and feel the burden that has been lifted off of me in the last few weeks. It's hard to explain, but oh is it real. To me. This color. This vibrancy. This taste of life; this new life, at that. Oh is it a good place to be! I am thankful for the cold and abrasive winter - in season and in living. How joyous and free it is to embrace and look anxiously to this next chapter of spring and all that God has chosen to reveal to us in yet another ... season. Here's the to the end of one and the hopeful beginning of another.

Unconventional

Unconventional. That would be my answer when someone asks me how our Easter weekend was this year.

Come to think of it, that word pretty much describes this year as a whole so far. Each holiday has felt mildly to extremely different, usually surrounding some drama. Maybe that's just who we are as people? Perhaps. (Don't laugh.)

On Saturday, Kate woke up from a nap with 103.4, so that pretty much changed our Easter plans, but we enjoyed it and laughed a lot and rejoiced with our risen Savior, none the less.

Did I mention it was in the 40's today? Yes, I wore my sandals anyway.

So, since Kate couldn't go to church, we all got dressed and took some pics outside just to mark the occasion and to look "conventional". We tried our hardest.

We even had our own version of an Easter egg hunt in our backyard just for Kate and took an obscene amount of pictures so the memory could be documented.

As an added blessing, we had some sweet friends over, who are our family here, and we enjoyed a feast, I tell you. A feast. In fact, I think I'm going to have some carrot cake and coffee for my "late" night dinner tonight. Mmm...

Whether your Easter was conventional or unconventional, I pray you were able to stop long enough to sing 'Hallelujah' and to gaze upon the beauty of our Risen Lord.

View Album at Shutterfly

Happy Easter Weekend!

He's Got the Whole World

I heard Kate singing her new favorite song in the kitchen and so I grabbed the camera and

caught just a bit of it before she moved on to something else. At first it sounds a

bit scratchy, but keep listening - it clears up and you can hear Kate's rendition of

"He's Got the Whole World in His Hands", complete with hand motions, of course.

A good reminder in these days, isn't it?

I Think I Might Be On To Something

For those that don't know our story (and not that it's that interesting), but we had planned to get married in Austin, which we did, and start life there. The month of our wedding, David was approached by his current company and offered a good position, despite his resignation, for him to stay put in New York City. I cried. I wrestled with it. I struggled for answers. But, I trusted and I came, a bit reluctantly.

You see, New York was never really on my list of dreams or goals, as it might be for some. I think I was envisioning more of an 'Austin' life, to be honest. Laid back. Nice sunny days. Walks around Town Lake. Friends and Family just minutes away. But, we moved to West New York, New Jersey. No one even believed me that such a place existed. It did. We rented a more "normal" apartment, in my book, with a pool and a gym and a parking lot for your car and even tennis courts across the way. We were positioned right on the water of the Hudson River. (You know that footage of the plane landing on the water? Yea, that was right in front of our old apartments.) We were 10 minutes from the City by ferry. That is how we commuted day in and day out. It was nice. It took some getting used to, but I still fought it. With every inch of me, I fought why we were here. I wanted my family. I wanted my girlfriends. I worked so much that I wanted to see the sun go up and come down just once. I wanted a normal church. I wanted friends who spoke English and knew who Jesus was and is and could maybe even talk about him. I cried. I wrestled with it. I struggled for answers. But, we stayed.

We bought our apartment in New Jersey when the option came up. We had a new car. We had a washer and dryer in our unit. We both had great jobs making great salaries. We heard that JR Vassar was moving up to NY to start a church. We quickly got involved in church planting. If anyone has never been apart of a church plant, it pretty means that everyone is on staff, just not getting paid for it. There were Sundays, that David would do an opening prayer, I would read the scripture, the worship leader would sing, JR would preach, we would both give communion, and then I would give the benediction. We thought - ahh, maybe this is why we are here. To really learn what church is all about. It's about investing, not consuming.

After 3 years, though, I started feeling like I was losing myself even more. JR would preach about having a love for this City and what God might be calling us to give up for his renown. It may not be comfortable, but it is our calling. I tried and tried to will myself into this way of thinking and I really tried my hardest, I believe, but just felt like it was not my natural affection. I became pregnant unexpectedly with Kate and so we needed to make a move from our 1 bedroom apartment in New Jersey. We prayed. We cried. We, well I, pleaded with God to move us somewhere else. Somewhere with a little more space for kids. Somewhere a little more comfortable and clean. Somewhere a little closer to friends and family. We wrestled with Him on this, but we only had a peace about staying put. So...we sold our condo. We sold our car. We moved into the City to have our baby. (my friends here thought I was losing it, since most move out of the city when it's time to start their family)

I started thinking, are we crazy!? Having a newborn baby in New York City? That's what people I knew and loved were telling me. I still longed for family. I still longed for friends. Real friends. Friends that you can live life with. Friends that actually cared what was going on in your life for more than the 5 minutes in which they asked you. I kept holding on to the church as our reason for being here and some of the friends that I had made, who challenged me so much as to what I believe and why. I thought - that must be why we are here...to really know why we believe what we believe, because we had to be ready to give an answer every day.

Still time went on. Kate was born. I left my career of 6 years to stay home with her. I was excited about it. I knew I was allowing part of myself to go, along with the corporate world dream. I was OK with that. God had walked me through the decision process and I knew what my biblical calling was as a mom and a wife and knew I would not be able to fulfill that calling completely any other way. I gave up my slacks for jeans. I gave up my heels for flats and even tennis shoes, for that matter. I started feeling less and less like myself. But, who was I now? Who was Shawna, the mother? Who was Shawna, the wife? Who was Shawna, the former PwC Manager? I didn't recognize myself. I thought I was going crazy. I blamed it on David. I blamed it on the small apartment. I blamed it on the rough winters. I blamed it on a lack of really spiritual friends. I even blamed it on that time of the month. I cried. I wrestled with God every time a friend or family member would come and then...leave. I pleaded with God to move us somewhere easier to live. Some place where I could feel better about myself and even remember who I was. But, we stayed.

Kate is almost two. Some days are easier here and some are not. Some days I feel so grateful that we are here and others I still wrestle with God over, even though He has given me quite a peace these days. Some relationships are developing into His provision spiritually and some are still frustratingly full of great potential with little progress. Some moments I feel thankful that He has forced us to a simple way of living with no car, no mortgage, no maintenance needed on anything, no worries of gas prices and fast food and chain restaurants and others I would do anything to have just one of those things. Some days I feel as though I am living life more fully here and others as though my life is on hold. Oh, how I ebb and flow.

After these last few months of dealing with financial struggles, family struggles, the miscarriage, work concerns, death of friends, uncertainty to the 10th degree...I feel even less like myself. I feel like... OK, Shawna - now you are really gone. You really are nothing like you were when you stepped foot here in the City. Your priorities are different. Your affections are different. Your daily routine is different. Your prayers are different. Your tears are shed for different reasons. Your local friends are, for the most part, different than you. Even your hair is different. ha. If you thought you were losing yourself a few years ago, now try looking into the mirror.

A few weekends ago, I left to go on a weekend trip with my roommates from college. The five of us girls shared a beautifully heartbreaking, belly-laughing, brutally honest, indescribable weekend away together. It was perfect in so many ways. I thought, ahhh - now I am finally able to just be myself. You know what? It reminded me in a lot of ways of who I was and that felt so good. It felt comforting. It felt reassuring. It felt beautiful and refreshing and all good things. And, while none of that is bad, I have been wrestling with why I still feel different than my 'old self' at home. Why is it that I still don't recognize myself now? What is wrong with me!? Is it that I have really let the City take its toll on me inwardly and outwardly, and just the pressures of life that weigh so heavy - have I let them crush me completely? Or, is it that God has gently and gradually, like only He can, just stripped one thing away after another that I held on so tightly to and allowed me to see Him for who He really is, all the while being truly transformed.

Perhaps I don't recognize myself because of the work that He continues to do in my heart on a daily basis. Perhaps those areas that still look like they always have, need a little work, even still. Perhaps this is something along the same lines of what Paul was referring to when he said,

"It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me." Galations 2:20

"For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

Could that be it? Is that possible? Is that why God allowed us to be here at this time and for this season? For me to learn how to "lose myself"? And, yet I have spent the past 6 years trying to figure out and fight harder for how to "find my old self" time and time again?

Now, don't get me wrong. I have not arrived. I do not think for one second that I am everything that God wants me to be. Oh - it's a process and I feel as though I have just begun, but could this be? This "losing yourself" that our culture reminds us every day of how we can combat it, with botox and diets and bigger houses and increased salaries and nicer cars and full-time nannies and bigger vacations and more "me" time...could it be that this "losing ourselves" is the same term that Jesus is referring to in these passages? How crazy would we sound if we realized God was really encouraging us to lose our lives for Him rather than to fight as hard as we can, no matter the cost, to preserve it?

Matthew 10:39 "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

Matthew 16:25 "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it."

Mark 8:35 "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."

Luke 9:24 "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it."

Luke 17:33 "Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it."

(I never knew it was mentioned so many times in the Bible until I looked it up today. It's like God knew we would have a hard time getting it.)

Today, running on the treadmill without music and without my usual headphones, I started crying. (well, in between gasps for more air) What race am I running? Am I running the race that leads back to more of me, that same me that I recognize, or the one that means losing myself for Him? Ouch.

"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ." Phillippians 3:8

I want to be able to join with Shane and Shane as they say in their song, I Want It All and I want to say without any doubt or question or caution, that "to starve is to feast and less of me is more of Jesus". I want my prayer to now be God, "help me to find the gain in loss."

I guess if all of these reasons aforementioned in this blog, are why God has brought us here to New York, I am thankful. If it is for all of these reasons and for me to lose myself...I am that much more humbly grateful. I don't know...I think I might be on to something.

Palm Sunday Stage Debut

For Palm Sunday, all of the kids at church got up on stage and sang, Lord I Lift Your Name on High. Even though Kate was not old enough, a lot of her older friends were going to be up there and so I thought she might get into it and make her stage debut this morning. We had practiced the hand motions. She did most of them and could even sing a few words here and there. But...this morning...this is what she did.

She looked at Mommy and asked with her eyes, "Are you sure this is OK?"

Then she stood there and watched. Those lips tightly sealed...thinking...

... "I think I'm the smallest one up here."

"Did your moms put you up to this as well?"

"I'm not going to do anything, but I sure can make a cute face!"

"Oh - when is this going to end!?"

Of course, afterwards, she was all smiles. I guess she was not quite ready - but oh, was it fun to watch her!

Confessions from the Day

- I tasted several of the brownies that I made for a friend, just to make sure they were good.

- The woman next to me at the gym kept clearing her throat over and and over and it so bugged, that I actually switched machines.

- I held Kate's hand and made her walk faster as we passed a homeless man on the sidewalk.

- Then, I saw a homeless woman today that I desperately wanted to help and I still kept on walking.

- I threw away the shell I found on the beach in Kiawah, because it had a dead crab in it and I couldn't get it out.

- I am trying to read three totally different books right now in my "spare" time.

- I would do anything to be back on Kiawah Island with my girls right now.

- I still haven't unpacked from my trip last weekend.

- When I think of leaving the City, I can honestly say that I am not ready...quite yet.

- I can't decide whether to cut my hair or let it keep growing.

- I still don't get the hype over 'Twilight'. Sorry Dot.

- I am so glad that we skipped out on the Baylor game at Madison Square Garden last night, and instead enjoyed the most fun and unique dinner out at Panna II.

- I can't stop thinking about the United gate agent that so rudely said, "We believe children are a privilege, not a handicap", when asked if I could pre-board with Kate a few months ago. What I really wanted to say was, "you must not be a mother." (and maybe a few other things)

- My husband bought me some beautiful daffodils, but for some reason they really smell like a dirty diaper every time I walk by.

- I'm scared to start my guitar lessons on Monday.

- I still feel bad about falling asleep while David prayed the other night.

- I will not be seen wearing the parachute pant suits that I saw in several windows today.

- I can't remember the last time I cleaned my bath tub. That's really gross. I'm going to do that tomorrow.

- I have not read with Kate nearly enough this week.

- I really hate how defensive I can get sometimes for no apparent reason.

- I don't have a clue about planting flowers, but am excited to start working on the garden this weekend!

- I didn't know how to respond to the woman with a ton of plastic surgery, when she said that Kate was more beautiful than a doll and should be a celebrity. Yikes.

- I'm already planning Kate's 2nd birthday party in June. Is that bad?

- Right now, my eyes are burning they are so tired, but I am still awake...posting this. Um - why?