Blessings and Praises

This weekend, I have been challenged to focus more on the love of my Heavenly Father and the goodness that exudes from him, even on the not-so-good days. God is so good. I wanted to write a post to update you on the blessings and answers to prayer that our family has experienced in the last few months. There are many, but here are some highlights. 

1. Marriage: 

Cooking class - While this has been a trying time for both David and I, we have made an effort to do some fun things and to remind each other that we are in this together. Last month, we went to an Italian cooking class. It was my Anniversary gift to him/us. We loved it and cannot wait to go back. That is one thing we both really enjoy equally and that makes me thankful. God is good to give me a husband that I can connect with on all levels.

Date nights: We enjoyed a pre-Valentine's and celebratory dinner at Otto, one of Mario Batali's restaurants in the Village. David has a goal of going to every one of his restaurants in NY while we are here, so I surprised him with this one on Friday night (thanks to sweet Murph!). It was fun, comfortable, and delicious. It is set up like an old train station and this is how they "call" the names for the tables. Love that!

Another answer to prayer is that our neighbors and good friends, the Dunbars, are going to watch Kate (after she is asleep) each Tuesday night so we can have date night every week for FREE and we will watch their boys on Thursdays. Who thought you could enjoy free babysitting away from family? Oh, the beauty of true community. God is so good. 

2. David: Many of you have been praying and asking about David and his job on many fronts. Last week, he had a meeting and in the midst of such uncertain times and low morale, he got PROMOTED!!!! There is no one more deserving, if you ask me, and I am so proud of his patience and his perseverance. He is now a Director at UBS in the Growth Investors Group. I have been praying that God would encourage and affirm him for the past year and so this is a huge answer to prayer, as neither of us expected this at this time in this market. I am thankful how God has changed our hearts to not long for "more money" but for an affirmation that we are where He wants us and so even though we will be making less (due to the aforementioned market), we could not be more thankful and know He still has us here for a reason. God is so good. 

3. Kate: Oh, she is such a joy. She is also a mess, but even more... a joy. I think I'll dedicate the next 5 blogs on updates from her end because there is so much to say about her and so many pictures of her that I know the family will want to see. Just for starters, though...something we have been doing in the last week is changing her room into a "big girl" room. She loves art and crafts and singing and dancing and now her new room will allow her to do all of those more freely.  She loves it and I love it more.

4. Kristi: my friend is gone, but it has been amazing and humbling to realize all that God has been teaching me through this journey. I have been more diligent and consistent in my prayer life over the past six months. I do hope and pray that I don't lose that now. I have a new found desire to be intentional in my roles of wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. Her husband said in an email that Kristi got to be with Love personified this year - and for that I am so thankful and quite jealous. That is what I long for. God is still so good.  

5. Friends: new and old. I have received calls, emails, cards, thoughts, prayers from friends all over. I have felt your prayers and heard your words of encouragement more than you know. I have also had fun hanging out with some of you this week. 

Valentine's Day Women's Brunch - This is the first year that I have started a valentine's day in the Word. I really liked it. Some women from our church got together and studied the book of Ruth in a fun and creative way. It was a fabulous time and another example of God's sufficient love for us. 

Girls Night Out -  Some of my favorite girls here went to a cocktail reception at a trendy rooftop lounge, 230-5th, and had a blast! The view was amazing, but the funniest thing to us is that they offered red, fleece robes to wear on the roof. I mean - who goes on a date and wears a robe? Of course we had to try them and ...well, they were quite cozy!  What a much needed night of fun and good conversation. God is so good. 

Not Fair

Words cannot express how thankful I am and how blessed I feel to have those journeying alongside of me through happy and sad times. It is through the comforts of friends and family and scripture and prayer that helps to get us all through one day at a time. I have told some of you this story, but I want to share it again here. 

As David and I left the hospital, after seeing the sonogram and hearing that there is no life there, we went back to see my doctor at the doctor's office. It is hard to know what to say in a situation like that. I can imagine from the doctor's perspective, there is no way of knowing where the couple's heart is in relation to the news and so there is only one politically correct and religiously safe way to comfort. We walked in his office and he greeted us with a truly genuine, "I am so sorry. It is just not fair."

His mouth continued to move, but my thoughts drifted. His words continued to echo in my head as he went on to talk about next steps. "It is just not fair." 

Really? Is that what is said to comfort those who experience loss in this world? I always wondered how those who are not able to find comfort in something greater than themselves get through difficult times. I wonder in their heart of hearts what brings them comfort and peace at night. To be honest, "not fair" seemed so empty to me at that moment and still does. Not fair? Is that all? There is no substance in that to me. There is no direction or hope in that statement to me. There is no Savior in that statement. To me, it is empty. 

Last week, I received a call from a friend who after 20 years of working and investing and giving much of herself to her career, found out that she was terminated. 20 years....gone, just like that. The title, the company car, the computer, the email address, the cell phone, the trips around the world, the salary, the identity - gone. No warning (other than a failing economy). I struggled with what to say. I actually thought about that very statement...it is just not fair. But, no, that is really not what I want to say because there is so much more to the loss that we experience in our lives. God does allow loss, if for nothing else, than so we experience a defining identity in Him that we would not otherwise. We all must cling to something during these times. But, just "not fair"? That's still so empty to me.

Then this morning, I received an email update on my college friend, Kristi (Winters) Walker - mom of three, fighting breast cancer. Kristi went home to be the Lord shortly after 8am this morning. Her husband and three boys, one just five months old, left behind to search for answers and direction. Oh, how I just want to say, "it is SO not fair, God". But, once again, I still yearn for more substantive peace and comfort for such a deep loss. A loss that I can barely comprehend even as I type. A loss that makes my stomach tie up in knots, tears pour freely from my eyes, and my knees crumble to the ground in prayer - desperate prayer for answers. Oh, this is a great loss. A loss of a friend. A loss of a daughter. A loss of a mother. A loss of a wife. SO, not fair...but, that would be so empty for those boys to hear. Surely there is something better that we can comfort ourselves with than this. 

If that is all we can say, then Christ died for nothing. There is such a plan. A greater plan. Oh - it's painful. Oh - it's difficult. It's full of tears and questioning and doubting and pain, but it is one of hope. Real hope. True hope.  And this plan, this great plan, leads to true joy and happiness and well, eternal life.

My prayer is that for those of us struggling with something right now that we so want to answer and cry out "it's just not fair!" to, that we would consider finding comfort in something greater. Still single. Can't have children. Lost my job. Fighting an illness. Want more. Not content. Experienced significant loss. Whatever it is - there is a better answer. There is something full of more hope and love and mercy than we can even explain with mere words. 

Oh - there is so much more. I pray that it would bring you comfort as it has me. 

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

Psalm 9:10 "And those who know Your name put their trust in you, for you, Oh Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you."

John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in ME, you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the World."

John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Job 42:1-2 "Then Job replies to the Lord: 'I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted."

Deuteronomy 32:4 "He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is He."

Psalm 118:13-14 "I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation."

Psalm 30:11-12 "You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. Oh Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."

Romans 15:4,13 "For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of scriptures we might have hope. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

A Quiet Heart

It goes without saying, that blogging has not been a priority for me these past few weeks. I have processed instead with my husband, with friends from time to time, and in quiet moments with my Father while praying, sitting, crying, journaling and reading. 

To say the past month has been a trying one, could be an understatement, but it depends who you ask, I suppose. I turned 30. Kate turned 19 months and acts like she is 2 1/2. Double ear infections. Sleepless nights and cranky days. My mom started working full-time for the first time since I have been alive. David and I found out, unexpectedly, that we were expecting our second child. I was sick. Tired and sick. No energy and no patience. I tried to figure out how our new family was going to look and work and then began to accept it. Then we found out that we lost the baby at 6 weeks. Another wave of emotion. True sadness and a bit of relief, if that can be possible. Prayer. Confusion. More prayer. Grace. Mercy. Trust.

In the meantime, increased uncertainty with David's job and our financial position has left us in a state of waiting- no planning. Still. A declining economy. Dear friends let go after 20 years of work and some finding new lines of work altogether. All the while planning an unprecedented business conference for the past 5 months, as a full-time mom.  A mom struggling to connect with her daughter. As a wife struggling to connect with her husband. As a daughter struggling to connect with her mom. As a friend struggling to be there for others, though trying my hardest. 

I have been doing OK, all things considered, and then yesterday I seemed to just crash. I feel completely depleted. Depleted of energy. Depleted of emotion, or so I thought, until the tears finally came and did not stop for quite a while. Depleted. Empty. Spent. Tired. Exhausted. Discouraged. Impatient. Discontent. 

You know that feeling when you were a kid and you were swimming deeper below the water's surface than you thought? You know how you kept pushing up and waiving your arms and legs faster and faster knowing that air was right there...any second now, it would come. Another second. Then, just when you feel your lungs about to explode....the breath. Oh, that breath. That deep breath. That is what I felt yesterday and what I am in desperate need of today.

I think all of these things were causing me to sink lower and lower and then I finally realized how desperately I needed to breathe. Fresh air. Just breathe. 

My amazing friend, Katy, gave me Keep a Quiet Heart by Elizabeth Elliot for my 30th birthday. I have been reading it for weeks, but just realized yesterday how much I desire a quiet heart and what that really looks like in the midst of an uncertain life. As Elliot defines, a quiet heart is "a willing acceptance of all that God assigns and a glad surrender of all that I am." She goes on to say that it is being "content with what God gives" and knowing that "it is enough". Remember that Amazing Grace post below? Yea. It is still enough. I've had to tell myself that a lot these past few weeks. Some days believing it more than others. It is His grace alone that allows me to breathe a deep breath and to keep breathing. It is His mercy that allows me to keep living and to keep trusting. 

Oh, how Satan wants to disquiet us. He wants all of these past events to distract me and to keep me from moving forward to what God wants to teach me. I recognize that. I'm still depleted, but finding that a quiet heart only comes with listening and waiting and resting and trusting in Him. That is where I am today.