A Quiet Heart

It goes without saying, that blogging has not been a priority for me these past few weeks. I have processed instead with my husband, with friends from time to time, and in quiet moments with my Father while praying, sitting, crying, journaling and reading. 

To say the past month has been a trying one, could be an understatement, but it depends who you ask, I suppose. I turned 30. Kate turned 19 months and acts like she is 2 1/2. Double ear infections. Sleepless nights and cranky days. My mom started working full-time for the first time since I have been alive. David and I found out, unexpectedly, that we were expecting our second child. I was sick. Tired and sick. No energy and no patience. I tried to figure out how our new family was going to look and work and then began to accept it. Then we found out that we lost the baby at 6 weeks. Another wave of emotion. True sadness and a bit of relief, if that can be possible. Prayer. Confusion. More prayer. Grace. Mercy. Trust.

In the meantime, increased uncertainty with David's job and our financial position has left us in a state of waiting- no planning. Still. A declining economy. Dear friends let go after 20 years of work and some finding new lines of work altogether. All the while planning an unprecedented business conference for the past 5 months, as a full-time mom.  A mom struggling to connect with her daughter. As a wife struggling to connect with her husband. As a daughter struggling to connect with her mom. As a friend struggling to be there for others, though trying my hardest. 

I have been doing OK, all things considered, and then yesterday I seemed to just crash. I feel completely depleted. Depleted of energy. Depleted of emotion, or so I thought, until the tears finally came and did not stop for quite a while. Depleted. Empty. Spent. Tired. Exhausted. Discouraged. Impatient. Discontent. 

You know that feeling when you were a kid and you were swimming deeper below the water's surface than you thought? You know how you kept pushing up and waiving your arms and legs faster and faster knowing that air was right there...any second now, it would come. Another second. Then, just when you feel your lungs about to explode....the breath. Oh, that breath. That deep breath. That is what I felt yesterday and what I am in desperate need of today.

I think all of these things were causing me to sink lower and lower and then I finally realized how desperately I needed to breathe. Fresh air. Just breathe. 

My amazing friend, Katy, gave me Keep a Quiet Heart by Elizabeth Elliot for my 30th birthday. I have been reading it for weeks, but just realized yesterday how much I desire a quiet heart and what that really looks like in the midst of an uncertain life. As Elliot defines, a quiet heart is "a willing acceptance of all that God assigns and a glad surrender of all that I am." She goes on to say that it is being "content with what God gives" and knowing that "it is enough". Remember that Amazing Grace post below? Yea. It is still enough. I've had to tell myself that a lot these past few weeks. Some days believing it more than others. It is His grace alone that allows me to breathe a deep breath and to keep breathing. It is His mercy that allows me to keep living and to keep trusting. 

Oh, how Satan wants to disquiet us. He wants all of these past events to distract me and to keep me from moving forward to what God wants to teach me. I recognize that. I'm still depleted, but finding that a quiet heart only comes with listening and waiting and resting and trusting in Him. That is where I am today.