Saying Goodbye and Loving Well

It is not often that we have the privilege and foreknowledge that we need to say goodbye to someone we love. Of having the time, whatever little time it is, to be able to express our heart's deepest appreciations and life's fondest memories to someone that we love. What an interesting and deeply moving and emotional time the last few months have been for our family.

We found out in mid-January, the my Auntie Barbara - my mom's only sister and my only living Aunt - has merely months to live. Those moments are surreal, if you have experienced them to any degree. You mean, we won't have her on this earth after that? You mean, this is it? You mean, it's time to say... gulp, goodbye?

Or think of it from the perspective of the one receiving the news - knowing you have limited days left to live on earth. What do you do? How do you choose to spend it? What do you choose to say and how do you choose to be intentional with the time?

All of these questions have filled my mind over these last few months as family has flown into Colorado from all over the country to say their goodbyes. Since I have not had the luxury of getting to go in person, I have been so grateful to chat over the computer and send in hand-written memories and heart-felt thanks. Such a strange and surreal time. A deep yet profoundly simple time of focusing on one thing - loving and loving well. Because at the end of the day - that is all that matters, right?

I have even thought how uncomfortable it is, despite it's privilege, of saying goodbye in person. Many of us may be more comfortable, despite the pain and suddenness, of saying goodbye after the loved one is already gone. Or more comfortable maybe when in a state where you are not sure they are hearing you just right or are completely aware of what you are saying. Strange as that sounds, think about it.

It goes without saying that the past month has been a blessing for me to pull back the pages of memories and record them down again in words and to speak them to my sweet Aunt. It has not been without a major breakdown of grief and sadness or even a hearty laugh from funny memories from time to time. What a blessing for her and for those who love her to do this while she is still with us.

I asked her grandson, my cousin Taylor, how he was doing at the news of her last days and he said many things, but ended with, "we will just keep loving her well until the end.".

How can I love those around me ... well? My husband? My children? My closest girlfriends? Those in my Community Group? Those that I pass on the street and don't know by name? It all matters, it's all important, it's all necessary and yet it's a good reminder that we can't do that well or fully without Christ.

Kate's memory verse for February (and subsequently, one of mine as well) is:

"We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19

I pray Auntie Barbara knows that those around her - including my mom and dad who are spending almost every waking hour at her side these days - are able to love her well, not just because of what she means to them but because Christ loved them first.

I pray that Auntie Barbara knows that those who are serving her meals and sending in their words of gratitude are only able to love and express love because the One who loved first and most, whether they even realize it or not.

That is how we even know how to love.

I pray that Auntie Barbara sees in these last days that there is only One who can love her most fully and it is Christ.

Jesus Christ.

The one who died, was buried and rose again to sit at the right hand of our Father in Heaven. The One who was fully man and fully God.

And who, though so completely undeserving on our parts, took on our imperfection and sin and and as Kate says, "punishment" - becoming our substitute - so that our Heavenly Father would accept us as His sons and daughters and see us as clean and spotless children.

The gospel - now, that's beautiful.

That's love.

That's loving well.

That's loving perfectly.

Auntie Barbara is still with us, by God's grace. Each day a gift.

Thoughts on Love

While Valentine's Day has come and gone, this is the month that 'love' seems to be discussed more than most. Over the past few weeks I have been reading and pondering some quotes and questions on love. No real point to this other than to encourage you to ponder them in your spare and quiet time, pray through them, confess them, wrestle with them, or simply read and then forget them.

Share your thoughts if you wish or sit in silence and wrestle and pray through them alongside of me.

*****

1 Corinthians 13:5 "[Love] is not irritable or resentful."

I have been memorizing 1 Corinthians 13 this month and this particular verse causes me to stop every time and take a big... gulp. I can barely make it past without stopping and confessing right there.

*****

"You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving." Amy Carmichael

*****

"The Love of Jesus" (from Valley of Vision)

I am never so much mine as when I am his,

or so much lost to myself until lost in him;

then I find my true [wo]manhood.

But my love is frost and cold, ice and snow;

Let his love warm me,

lighten my burden,

be my heaven.

*****

"If" by Amy Carmichael

If I can easily discuss the shortcomings and the sins of any;
If I can speak in a casual way even of a child’s misdoings,
Then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I can enjoy a joke at the expense of another;
If I can in any way slight another in conversation, or even in thought,

Then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I can write an unkind letter, speak an unkind word,
Think an unkind thought without grief and shame,
Then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If in dealing with one who does not respond,
I weary of the strain and slip from under the burden,
Then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I’m afraid to speak the truth lest I lose affection,
Or lest the one concerned should say, "You do not understand,"
Or because I fear to lose my reputation for kindness;
If I put my own good name before the other’s highest good,
Then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I hold onto choices of any kind, just because they are my choice;
If I give any room to my private likes and dislikes,
Then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I do not give a friend "the benefit of the doubt,"
But put the worst construction instead of the best
on what is said or done,
Then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I take offense easily;
If I am content to continue in a cool unfriendliness,
though friendship be possible,
Then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If a sudden jar or jolt can cause me to speak an impatient,
unloving word,
Then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I feel bitterly toward those who condemn me,
as it seems to me, unjustly,
Forgetting that if they knew me as I know myself they would condemn me much more,
Then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I say, "Yes, I forgive, but I cannot forget,"
as though the God, who twice a day washes all the sands
on all the shores of all the world,
could not wash such memories from my mind,
Then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If monotony tries me,
If stupid people fret me and little ruffles set me on edge;
If I make much of the trifles of life,
Then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I am inconsiderate about the comfort of others, or their feelings, or even of their little weaknesses;
If I’m careless about their little hurts and miss opportunities
to smooth their way;
If I make the sweet running of household wheels more difficult
to accomplish,
Then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If interruptions annoy me, and private cares make me impatient;
If I shadow the souls about me because I myself am shadowed,
Then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If something I’m asked to do for another feels burdensome;
If, yielding to an inward unwillingness, I avoid doing it,
Then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If the praise of man elates me and his blame depresses me;
If I cannot rest under misunderstanding without defending myself;
If I love to be loved more than to love,
Then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If the burden my Lord asks me to bear be not the burden
of my heart’s choice,
And I fret inwardly and do not welcome His will,
Then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I covet anyplace on earth but the dust at the foot of the cross,
Then I know nothing of Calvary love.

There's a First for Everything

Last week was our first ER experience with sweet Kate. I am sure every parent remembers their first. I am praying there won't be, but I am not naive to think this will be our only time on this journey of parenthood.

Thankfully, I am writing this after a week has passed and everything looks like it's going to be OK. But, the past few weeks have been a bit scary and emotional, to say the least. After six days of having fever ranging from 102 - 105, the tests concluded that our baby girl has a urinary tract infection. Antibiotics are helping at this point but the journey to recovery is a bit slower than I would have wanted and a bit more painful than I expected.

Here is Kate and Daddy waiting for the Dr. to come.

Sweet sick baby girl.

We were SO incredibly thankful for our phenomenal pediatric ER - complete with stuffed animals to "take pictures" with (i.e. x-rays), Elmo movies and cute Tiger gowns.

Kate watching a movie while getting her antibiotics through her IV.

After six hours, we were able to come home and we were so grateful. It made me think and pray for those families who don't have the luxury of coming home with their babies after just six hours and an antibiotic. Humbling.

Kate is holding her sweet little hand where there IV was and continued to for the next few days, bless her heart. Our sweet neighbors, Chase and Jackson came over to welcome her and cheer her up. A HUGE thank you to some dear friends, who blessed us with dinner in the crock pot and a completely clean kitchen upon our arrival at home!!

Such community. Such generosity. Such thoughtfulness.

There's that "Kate smile"! She is sitting with her friends she got at the ER and the sweet card made by her sweet friend, Jackson, next door.

Thank you for all of those who prayed and lifted up Kate on our behalf. There is nothing more comforting as a parent than knowing that God is in ultimately in control of every situation - good and bad, that He has promised to give you everything to help you through trial after trial, and that He has blessed you with friends and family who feel it a great privilege to intercede on your behalf time and time again.

Yep...Definitely A Boy!

We are singing praises to our Creator for a healthy little boy at 20 weeks.

picture 1: hand

picture 2: profile

picture 3: legs facing to the right; arrow right above pointing to the "boy" part :)

Pilot Me

We sang this hymn at church this morning. I could barely sing the words as it encompasses so much of what I am praying for and needing in these days. Such strength, such beauty, such power, such truth. Wanted to share with you.

Jesus, Savior, pilot me
Over life's tempestuous sea
Unknown waves before me roll
Hiding rock and treacherous shoal
Chart and compass come from Thee
Jesus, Savior, pilot me

As a mother stills her child
You can hush the oceans wild
Boisterous waves obey Thy will
When You say to them, Be still
Wondrous Sovereign of the sea
Jesus, Savior, pilot me

When at last I near the shore
And the fearful breakers roar
Grant me and the peaceful rest
Then, while leaning on Your chest
May I hear You say to me
Fear not, I will pilot thee

Robbie Seay Band

Tonight's Thoughts

* I'm tired - like I could go to bed right now tired - and it's only 8PM. Why am I not OK with that? I need to be.

* This long holiday weekend was not at all what we had planned for family time. Sick baby girl. Sick mommy. Oh well.

* We got rid of cable this weekend. Gone. Just like that, back to 5 working channels and no recording options. Part of me loves the idea of simplifying, while part of me is unsettled as I go into detox mode. Want to know if something has an unhealthy influence in your life? Get rid of it. Uh, yea.

* We found out last week that we are going to have a ... BOY!!! While the official sonogram is next week, I am already trying to switch my mind from pink to blue. Could not be more excited.

* I think I'll officially name tomorrow as the start of this "new year", so that I can just start over. Family all healthy. Kate potty-trained. Feeling fully rested. Re-energized. Disciplined. Tomorrow.

* Don't try reading Kirkegaard at the gym while listening to work out music. Just doesn't flow.

* I have four really close friends all having babies in the next four months and one sister getting married!!!! Ahhh!!!! Excited about that and all that lies in store.

* Today I went to pick out new glasses. I always think - this is the year I'll get frames that are really fun and different. Then I ask opinions of the people working there and my husband and surprise! I get a similar but updated look. Oh well. It will be nice to have a current prescription again.

* Auntie Barbara has surgery on Wednesday to remove a tumor in her colon. I find myself in constant prayer for a quick recovery and that Christ would reveal Himself as the Healer and All-Sufficient One.

* As I have been focusing on scripture memory lately, I am amazed and a bit envious at how easily Kate memorizes and learns verses. She intrigues, challenges and impresses me in every way.

* I am so sad I missed a chance for a phone date with Shannon today, and am giddy about my phone date with Kimber tomorrow! These girls refresh my soul and make me smile...always.

* Sometimes I wonder if there is a way to live simply in Manhattan. Most books and people I talk to, leave the City to find simplicity, but I am constantly praying and thinking about ways to achieve that where God has called us to live today. I would argue that they are not mutually exclusive, but that God is still teaching me what that means for our family.

* Why didn't someone tell me that the movie, Fame, is one of the biggest disappointments in movie history? Ok, maybe I had unrealistic expectations.

* I keep asking myself if I should cut my hair or leave it long - go back to blonde or leave it natural. Am I just that ready for a change or is it that when you are pregnant there is not much you can do to feel updated and normal and so...a hair cut is a logical choice?

* Ok, I give up. I'm going to bed at 9PM and feeling excited about it.

Birthday at the Broadmoor

Oh yea - and there is nothing like having a ... birthday smack dab in the middle of a move, a medical emergency, a family wedding, and the holidays. :)

I honestly do not know how David did it all. He worked sun up to sun down and then some to move my parents and to take care of all of us for 2 weeks- most of the time being the only one lifting and carrying and driving anywhere. On top of all of that, he managed to leave some time at the very end of the this crazy holiday for he and I to get away one night before heading back to NYC.

Sigh. I breathe more deeply just thinking about it all over again.

I believe you could say that I wept when he told me that he had planned a night away for us at the Broadmoor for my birthday. An entire 24 hours, just he and I, away from it all. One thing I definitely realize with new meaning every year is that any trip is made even sweeter by the emotional and physical need for it. This was the first time in 15 months that he and I had a night away together without Kate and... it was so sweet. So so sweet.

We walked and breathed the fresh mountain air. We listened to the silence. Ahh -the bliss of silence while holding the hand of another, just content to ... be. We took pictures. Enjoyed nature. Read. Relaxed at the spa. Watched the fire as we drifted in and out of a daze. Laughed and reflected and talked. Ate fine food. Slept. A lot. It's amazing what 24 hours can do for the body and soul.

The view from our suite by day.

The view by night.

The living room in the suite (which happened to be bigger than our apt. that we live in every day - so that was a treat!).

After sleeping in (for those of you, like me, that can't remember, that is what happens when no one wakes you up at a certain time - yea - it had been a while) and enjoying a delicious breakfast, we drove back to greet my Auntie Barbara and cousin, Jeanie (visiting from China) and to spend a fun day with family.

One of the best birthdays I can remember in a while. What a perfect way to bring in the New Year!