Miss Kate

Oh, miss Kate! I am always torn between smiling the biggest smile across my face with eyes of pride and just weeping on my knees with gratitude and joy at the mention of her name. Oh, that my God and Savior, who knows all things and works all things for the good of his children would bless me - Shawna, with a gift that has brought so much depth and love and joy to my life. How undeserving am I. It is truly indescribable.

This time with Kate, over the last few difficult months, has been one for the journals. It has been intentional. It has been a time of growth. It has been filled with prayer and scripture memory together and individually. It has been filled with fun activities and quiet moments lying on the couch together watching a movie and eating popcorn. It has represented such a redemptive time for me, personally, as I see a full-circle moment just about every day with her. It has been a time of bonding that I could not have ever imagined would happen. She is my best friend at moments and yet my tender little lamb that God is teaching me how to shepherd. Oh, how I treasure her. She is Kate. She is my Kate. Oh - but she is His first and foremost. What a blessing. What a reminder of God's goodness and a reminder that has kept me going these past few months.

As a 19 and 20 month old...

We have played in the snow.

We have cooked together.

We have gone to see Sesame Street Live. She loved every minute and waved and yelled "hi" at every character on stage.

We have done artwork and crafts. She loves drawing circles and painting and even made her own valentines this year.

We have had dates at Starbucks together. She loves reading her books there.

We have played with play-doh every day. Not kidding.

We have started eating at our "big girl" table rather than our high chair.

We have played dress up and LOVE to put on any piece of jewelry and mommy's shoes.

We have been lazy.

We visited Mia and Papaw, Auntie, Auntie Barbara, and cousin Taylor in Colorado.

We have gone to the Children's Museum about every other week in NY and in CO.

We have learned to go potty in the "big girl" potty with several successful attempts, and of course, a lollipop as a reward.

We have learned how to EAT a lollipop.

We have learned a memory verse together. She can say and do the motions (that I made up, of course) to: "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth." Genesis 1:1

I'll work on getting a video of this one, I promise.

She has learned to count to 15 now. (She learned to count to 10 around 18-19 mos)

We have focused as she learned her ABC's. (still tends to skip a few in the middle)

We have laughed and laughed as she says "lotion" and it comes out more like horse sh*t. Not kidding. I'm trying to get this one on video as well.

We have hugged and kissed more as I hear "love you, Mommy" in the most spontaneous moments. It melts me.

We have realized that mommy's kisses make any "boo boo" feel "betta".

Most importantly, we have learned to be joyful together and to give thanks to our Creator...together. There is nothing more beautiful than that.

Oh, Miss Kate!

Gratitude

Gratitude by Nichole Nordeman

Send some rain, would You send some rain?

'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again

And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade

Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?

Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down

Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid

But maybe not, not today

Maybe You'll provide in other ways

And if that's the case ...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude

For lessons learned in how to thirst for You

How to bless the very sun that warms our face

If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread

Bless our bodies, keep our children fed

Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight

Wrap us up and warm us through

Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs

Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time

Or maybe not, not today

Maybe You'll provide in other ways

And if that's the case ...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude

A lesson learned to hunger after You

That a starry sky offers a better view

If no roof is overhead

And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between

Everything we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace

Move our hearts to hear a single beat

Between alibis and enemies tonight

Or maybe not, not today

Peace might be another world away

And if that's the case ...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude

For lessons learned in how to trust in You

That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream

In abundance or in need

And if You never grant us peace ...

But, Jesus, would You please ...

Blessings and Praises

This weekend, I have been challenged to focus more on the love of my Heavenly Father and the goodness that exudes from him, even on the not-so-good days. God is so good. I wanted to write a post to update you on the blessings and answers to prayer that our family has experienced in the last few months. There are many, but here are some highlights. 

1. Marriage: 

Cooking class - While this has been a trying time for both David and I, we have made an effort to do some fun things and to remind each other that we are in this together. Last month, we went to an Italian cooking class. It was my Anniversary gift to him/us. We loved it and cannot wait to go back. That is one thing we both really enjoy equally and that makes me thankful. God is good to give me a husband that I can connect with on all levels.

Date nights: We enjoyed a pre-Valentine's and celebratory dinner at Otto, one of Mario Batali's restaurants in the Village. David has a goal of going to every one of his restaurants in NY while we are here, so I surprised him with this one on Friday night (thanks to sweet Murph!). It was fun, comfortable, and delicious. It is set up like an old train station and this is how they "call" the names for the tables. Love that!

Another answer to prayer is that our neighbors and good friends, the Dunbars, are going to watch Kate (after she is asleep) each Tuesday night so we can have date night every week for FREE and we will watch their boys on Thursdays. Who thought you could enjoy free babysitting away from family? Oh, the beauty of true community. God is so good. 

2. David: Many of you have been praying and asking about David and his job on many fronts. Last week, he had a meeting and in the midst of such uncertain times and low morale, he got PROMOTED!!!! There is no one more deserving, if you ask me, and I am so proud of his patience and his perseverance. He is now a Director at UBS in the Growth Investors Group. I have been praying that God would encourage and affirm him for the past year and so this is a huge answer to prayer, as neither of us expected this at this time in this market. I am thankful how God has changed our hearts to not long for "more money" but for an affirmation that we are where He wants us and so even though we will be making less (due to the aforementioned market), we could not be more thankful and know He still has us here for a reason. God is so good. 

3. Kate: Oh, she is such a joy. She is also a mess, but even more... a joy. I think I'll dedicate the next 5 blogs on updates from her end because there is so much to say about her and so many pictures of her that I know the family will want to see. Just for starters, though...something we have been doing in the last week is changing her room into a "big girl" room. She loves art and crafts and singing and dancing and now her new room will allow her to do all of those more freely.  She loves it and I love it more.

4. Kristi: my friend is gone, but it has been amazing and humbling to realize all that God has been teaching me through this journey. I have been more diligent and consistent in my prayer life over the past six months. I do hope and pray that I don't lose that now. I have a new found desire to be intentional in my roles of wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. Her husband said in an email that Kristi got to be with Love personified this year - and for that I am so thankful and quite jealous. That is what I long for. God is still so good.  

5. Friends: new and old. I have received calls, emails, cards, thoughts, prayers from friends all over. I have felt your prayers and heard your words of encouragement more than you know. I have also had fun hanging out with some of you this week. 

Valentine's Day Women's Brunch - This is the first year that I have started a valentine's day in the Word. I really liked it. Some women from our church got together and studied the book of Ruth in a fun and creative way. It was a fabulous time and another example of God's sufficient love for us. 

Girls Night Out -  Some of my favorite girls here went to a cocktail reception at a trendy rooftop lounge, 230-5th, and had a blast! The view was amazing, but the funniest thing to us is that they offered red, fleece robes to wear on the roof. I mean - who goes on a date and wears a robe? Of course we had to try them and ...well, they were quite cozy!  What a much needed night of fun and good conversation. God is so good. 

Not Fair

Words cannot express how thankful I am and how blessed I feel to have those journeying alongside of me through happy and sad times. It is through the comforts of friends and family and scripture and prayer that helps to get us all through one day at a time. I have told some of you this story, but I want to share it again here. 

As David and I left the hospital, after seeing the sonogram and hearing that there is no life there, we went back to see my doctor at the doctor's office. It is hard to know what to say in a situation like that. I can imagine from the doctor's perspective, there is no way of knowing where the couple's heart is in relation to the news and so there is only one politically correct and religiously safe way to comfort. We walked in his office and he greeted us with a truly genuine, "I am so sorry. It is just not fair."

His mouth continued to move, but my thoughts drifted. His words continued to echo in my head as he went on to talk about next steps. "It is just not fair." 

Really? Is that what is said to comfort those who experience loss in this world? I always wondered how those who are not able to find comfort in something greater than themselves get through difficult times. I wonder in their heart of hearts what brings them comfort and peace at night. To be honest, "not fair" seemed so empty to me at that moment and still does. Not fair? Is that all? There is no substance in that to me. There is no direction or hope in that statement to me. There is no Savior in that statement. To me, it is empty. 

Last week, I received a call from a friend who after 20 years of working and investing and giving much of herself to her career, found out that she was terminated. 20 years....gone, just like that. The title, the company car, the computer, the email address, the cell phone, the trips around the world, the salary, the identity - gone. No warning (other than a failing economy). I struggled with what to say. I actually thought about that very statement...it is just not fair. But, no, that is really not what I want to say because there is so much more to the loss that we experience in our lives. God does allow loss, if for nothing else, than so we experience a defining identity in Him that we would not otherwise. We all must cling to something during these times. But, just "not fair"? That's still so empty to me.

Then this morning, I received an email update on my college friend, Kristi (Winters) Walker - mom of three, fighting breast cancer. Kristi went home to be the Lord shortly after 8am this morning. Her husband and three boys, one just five months old, left behind to search for answers and direction. Oh, how I just want to say, "it is SO not fair, God". But, once again, I still yearn for more substantive peace and comfort for such a deep loss. A loss that I can barely comprehend even as I type. A loss that makes my stomach tie up in knots, tears pour freely from my eyes, and my knees crumble to the ground in prayer - desperate prayer for answers. Oh, this is a great loss. A loss of a friend. A loss of a daughter. A loss of a mother. A loss of a wife. SO, not fair...but, that would be so empty for those boys to hear. Surely there is something better that we can comfort ourselves with than this. 

If that is all we can say, then Christ died for nothing. There is such a plan. A greater plan. Oh - it's painful. Oh - it's difficult. It's full of tears and questioning and doubting and pain, but it is one of hope. Real hope. True hope.  And this plan, this great plan, leads to true joy and happiness and well, eternal life.

My prayer is that for those of us struggling with something right now that we so want to answer and cry out "it's just not fair!" to, that we would consider finding comfort in something greater. Still single. Can't have children. Lost my job. Fighting an illness. Want more. Not content. Experienced significant loss. Whatever it is - there is a better answer. There is something full of more hope and love and mercy than we can even explain with mere words. 

Oh - there is so much more. I pray that it would bring you comfort as it has me. 

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

Psalm 9:10 "And those who know Your name put their trust in you, for you, Oh Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you."

John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in ME, you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the World."

John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Job 42:1-2 "Then Job replies to the Lord: 'I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted."

Deuteronomy 32:4 "He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is He."

Psalm 118:13-14 "I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation."

Psalm 30:11-12 "You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. Oh Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."

Romans 15:4,13 "For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of scriptures we might have hope. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

A Quiet Heart

It goes without saying, that blogging has not been a priority for me these past few weeks. I have processed instead with my husband, with friends from time to time, and in quiet moments with my Father while praying, sitting, crying, journaling and reading. 

To say the past month has been a trying one, could be an understatement, but it depends who you ask, I suppose. I turned 30. Kate turned 19 months and acts like she is 2 1/2. Double ear infections. Sleepless nights and cranky days. My mom started working full-time for the first time since I have been alive. David and I found out, unexpectedly, that we were expecting our second child. I was sick. Tired and sick. No energy and no patience. I tried to figure out how our new family was going to look and work and then began to accept it. Then we found out that we lost the baby at 6 weeks. Another wave of emotion. True sadness and a bit of relief, if that can be possible. Prayer. Confusion. More prayer. Grace. Mercy. Trust.

In the meantime, increased uncertainty with David's job and our financial position has left us in a state of waiting- no planning. Still. A declining economy. Dear friends let go after 20 years of work and some finding new lines of work altogether. All the while planning an unprecedented business conference for the past 5 months, as a full-time mom.  A mom struggling to connect with her daughter. As a wife struggling to connect with her husband. As a daughter struggling to connect with her mom. As a friend struggling to be there for others, though trying my hardest. 

I have been doing OK, all things considered, and then yesterday I seemed to just crash. I feel completely depleted. Depleted of energy. Depleted of emotion, or so I thought, until the tears finally came and did not stop for quite a while. Depleted. Empty. Spent. Tired. Exhausted. Discouraged. Impatient. Discontent. 

You know that feeling when you were a kid and you were swimming deeper below the water's surface than you thought? You know how you kept pushing up and waiving your arms and legs faster and faster knowing that air was right there...any second now, it would come. Another second. Then, just when you feel your lungs about to explode....the breath. Oh, that breath. That deep breath. That is what I felt yesterday and what I am in desperate need of today.

I think all of these things were causing me to sink lower and lower and then I finally realized how desperately I needed to breathe. Fresh air. Just breathe. 

My amazing friend, Katy, gave me Keep a Quiet Heart by Elizabeth Elliot for my 30th birthday. I have been reading it for weeks, but just realized yesterday how much I desire a quiet heart and what that really looks like in the midst of an uncertain life. As Elliot defines, a quiet heart is "a willing acceptance of all that God assigns and a glad surrender of all that I am." She goes on to say that it is being "content with what God gives" and knowing that "it is enough". Remember that Amazing Grace post below? Yea. It is still enough. I've had to tell myself that a lot these past few weeks. Some days believing it more than others. It is His grace alone that allows me to breathe a deep breath and to keep breathing. It is His mercy that allows me to keep living and to keep trusting. 

Oh, how Satan wants to disquiet us. He wants all of these past events to distract me and to keep me from moving forward to what God wants to teach me. I recognize that. I'm still depleted, but finding that a quiet heart only comes with listening and waiting and resting and trusting in Him. That is where I am today. 

Amazing Grace

We are in the season of Epiphany - the revealing of God. 

It's interesting that many of us, including myself, celebrate Jesus up until Christmas, but quickly move on to New Year's resolutions and focus on what else we, ourselves, can accomplish in the new year. When in reality, now is almost more of a celebration as we learn about this 'God in flesh', who was revealed to us on earth. Now is the time that we recognize and see more of who God is, as Jesus exemplifies our Father in bodily form. Jesus is that portrait of God that we so desperately want to see. 

In John 1:1-2, 14, Jesus revealed the Father to be a God of grace and truth. 

Since I turned 30 a few weeks ago, I have been feeling like I should have some great mission statement for my life now. Something I am working towards and holding fast to, in order to measure up against as I move into the next decade. Last Sunday, JR focused on grace and I must say, it was one of those Sundays when God revealed Himself to me in a new and much needed way. I sat, in tears, as I realized grace is the very thing that I want to characterize my life for its remainder. 

Grace - "the lovingkindness of God freely extended to the undeserving." In the words of JR, "it is when He witholds from us something that we deserve and extends that which we could never earn."

I have heard of grace before. I have read Future Grace by Piper, I have sung the song, "Amazing Grace", and I could tell you some great scriptures that reference our salvation is not out of our own deeds but by the grace of God. Yay for me. However, I didn't ever realize how grossly I fail to understand grace in my every day life.

I still try to earn my worth in the eyes of man and in the eyes of God. I worry about who I am friends with and how people perceive me. I still look to others to meet the needs that only God can fill. I try to earn my worth in others eyes by showing how much I've accomplished and how much I know.  I still worry about the future. I still try and figure out my own logistics of my own plan, in an effort to comfort my own anxiety. I still judge and criticize others for where they are falling short. Nope. No grace there. 

I love when JR said, "unless Grace is enough, then you will waste the rest of your life trying to prove your worth to everyone else. Authenticity will settle in your heart only when you come to grips with that." Gulp. 

Is grace enough for me? I want it to be, but I can't say that it has been. That is it. That is what I am praying for in my life. That is really what I want to define this new decade for me and for my family. His grace. To live in a way that shows that I accept God's grace and that it is sufficient. Oh, that it would be enough for me. Enough. Not waiting for something else to change. Not waiting for a new place to live, more time with family and friends, more things, more happiness. No, God's grace is either sufficient or it is not. Either it is enough or it is not.

You know when God is really dealing with you on something, than you notice so much more in yourself and in others? I have noticed how much I don't show grace to those around me. I am more concerned with proving I am right. I have also noticed how much grace is shown to me, even when I so don't deserve it. My husband and my daughter have been a living example of grace this week to me. Then came Thursday. 

I am pretty sure you've heard the story by now. This plane, taking off from LaGuardia, hits a flock of geese (allegedly), causing both engines to fail and is forced to make a quite impossible landing in the middle of the Hudson River on the coldest day of the year. You can't make this stuff up. Nor can you make up that the pilot just happened to be someone who was trained for things just like this. That he has spent his life training for a crisis, just like this one. I wonder how many times that pilot wanted to just give up "training". I wonder how many times he considered retiring "early" and choosing an easier career path. I wonder how many times he complained of long hours and time away from his family that all proved to be the tools that were needed for this one moment. This one day. 

Of course, anyone can acknowledge how incredibly amazing that is just from our limited knowledge of  aviation engineering. However, I have sat in complete awe as I see the pictures of that plane, right in front of the apartments where we lived for three years. It was right there. Just a few miles from our apartment now. It landed just feet from where millions call their home. It took off from the airport I fly out of numerous times a year. Not only were those 155 passengers spared, but millions who could have been affected and who surrounded that plane on all sides, including my family and friends.

I know investigations continue. I know the pilot is deemed a hero, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to call this what it really is...God's grace. Either God is in control of everything or He is in control of nothing. He is capable of doing anything He so desires for His purposes and His glory and for some reason, He chose to show His face of grace upon that plane and those passengers. How privileged I feel to be a witness of such a visible and tangible sign of His grace. How powerful when we can call it what it is and live by it and in it. I am pretty sure that every one of those passenger's lives has been changed forever. 

What incredible weight to know that your life was spared, not out of anything you did or didn't do, but because the God of this universe chose to lay His grace upon you one more time in a way that no one has ever heard of or ever proved possible before now. But, wait, that is exactly what He has already done for you and me. 

That same grace, God's grace... that is enough for me.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Let that be enough.

Reflections and Memories

I am really not someone who freaks out about birthdays or wishes they never came. I love birthdays. My family always made a big deal of them growing up (complete with the birthday banner) and I love that, and so David and I continue to celebrate them as they should be celebrated...because they are all a big deal...to me. 

So, this birthday, being that it was my 30th - could have had a lot of expectations and pressure and yet I didn't know what to feel. It was surreal that I was going to be leaving my 20's behind, but I was ready. I really am thankful for all that I experienced in them. I wasn't going to be with my family or see any of my friends, so in a way, I was a little down when I thought about my birthday this year. OK, kind of a lot down. 

Little did I know, this would be one of the best birthdays I've ever had because of it's meaningfulness and because of the thoughtfulness of my husband and the words of those closest to me. Most of you know, because many of you participated in such a significant way this year to make my birthday incredibly unique and special. 

When I woke up, David had placed about 50 cards all over our apartment. Literally everywhere I looked I could see one "hidden". There were instructions to not open them until he got home from work (around noon). He was going to order me breakfast, but I ended up meeting Ginger for my favorite scones at Alice's Tea Cup with our girls. It was a perfect way to begin a birthday. Snowing outside. Tea and scones with one of my dear friends. Loved it. 

Then, David met me at home and I was able to open my "gifts". Every hour from noon until midnight, I opened 4 cards from my sweet friends. On those pages, were the words from my friends yet in my husbands handwriting. He took the time to hand write every word on every card and hide them. Most of them stuck to his rule of "30 words or less" and they were some of the most touching and humbling words I have ever read. 

Then every once in a while he would have a small gift tucked away from him and a picture of words that accompanied it. 30 of the most memorable restaurants we've been to, 30 of the most memorable things we've done in New York, 30 of the places we've traveled to together, 30 of the things "to come" in the next thirty years, etc. I could go on and on. 

Then, I received so many kind messages and calls and surprises from others. A friend's husband stopped by to bring Magnolia Bakery cupcakes, as his wife was out of town. Uh - yum. Flowers arrived from my parents. Beautiful. Courtney sent me super fun slippers and darling note cards. Modeled here, along with Kate, of course.  She had to get in the picture too! :) 

David made me an incredible candlelit steak dinner and bought me Carnegie Deli cheesecake, which is my favorite of all time. 

Then Friday night, we continued to celebrate with a dinner date night at Butter, a restaurant by a well-known chef that we've been wanting to try. It was amazing. 

This quote from my husband really summarizes my feelings about this birthday. He said, "I thought hearing how you've impacted people for the past 30 years and remembering all that you've experienced would bring so much more fulfillment than any material gift." Oh he is so right. He so knows me and I so love him for that. What an incredible birthday it was. What an amazing 30 more years it will be...I can't wait! 

Thank you, to everyone who helped make this day special with your words, your encouragement, your prayers and your memories. Thank you to my husband who did not let one minute of my birthday go by without a thoughtful word, prayer, thought, or action. I will never be able to express how much it all meant to me. It helped create a true day of celebration in a way I have never experienced before. A day of peace. A day of humility. A day of contentment. A day of pure gratitude. A day of so many tears. A day of reflection. A day of memories.